Oh, the places you'll go...

"Alice came to a fork in the road. 'Which road do I take?' she asked.

'Where do you want to go?' responded the Cheshire Cat.

'I don't know,' Alice answered.

'Then,' said the Cat, 'it doesn't matter.'"

[Lewis Carroll - Alice in Wonderland]

People often ask me: "Why are you going back?" I always answer that I'm not going back anywhere, I'm going somewhere different. They don't understand. What I hear in response is "you're going back to a foreign land." Like that's possible. 

For the uninformed, I'm not leaving because I hate Brazil, because I think somewhere else will be better (ok, maybe I do). It has nothing to do with my country, its culture, and the shit that happens here. News fresh: shit happens EVERYWHERE. I'm not going for the place as much as I'm going for my own sake, my own sanity. I need change. I crave it, love it. No, I'm not talking about scary, life-threatening change. I've experienced that, and it's the very opposite of the change I seek.  

I know we need to reinvent ourselves. I've read what Gandhi said about us being the change we want to see, over and over and over again. I just cannot do it. Not yet anyways. Maybe someday I'll learn to make little changes in my life and live happily with those. Just not now, not yet.

I haven't figured out what exactly I want out of life (man, I'm behind in this game), but what I want isn't here. Sometimes I wish somebody would point the way, the easy way, but most of the time I just want to figure things out on my own, make my own mistakes, those amazing fixable mistakes we so often make in life. 

"You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go."

[Dr Seuss - Oh, the places you'll go]

I can't find peace in the quiet simplicity of the known, the predictable. How many times have I heard people say they wish they were as brave and adventurous as I am, and inside I'm always thinking it takes a lot more courage to stay, to settle down, to dare and be happy within the borders of your homeland. I'm beyond borders (movie title cliche, sorry). I get bored way too easily.

Honestly? It's not always fun! After all, as Maya Angelou's written "the ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned." I've chosen the exact opposite, at least for the time being. I'm going places where I'll always be questioned. I've chosen to always feel saudade. So much for the challenge. 

Well, I leave for Canada in 2 days with no idea of what it will be like, and, against all odds, I'm feeling calm. The calm before the storm, maybe. I've done all the freaking out I possibly could already. It's come the time to focus on what the near future will bring, and be practical.

2012 has been one heck of a year. So much has changed. Remember they said the world would end this year? Maybe it will indeed. Individually. Everyone gets an end... and a new beginning. I'm sure I've gotten both. It's been a wonderful ride, with quite a few bumps. I've learned so much. I've learned lessons that, hopefully, I will remember in the years to come.

In all seriousness, if Canada sucks, it might, you never know, I'll just pack my bags and come back to the comfort of a place I've known and loved my whole life, or I'll steer in a completely different direction and move into the weirdness of new place, one that doesn't, in any way, resemble the ones I know. I'll report it all.

"Coisa que gosto é poder partir sem ter planos, melhor ainda é poder voltar quando quero"

[Milton Nascimento e Fernando Brant - Encontros e Despedidas]